I dreamt of this woman all my life, especially when I was afraid, I would find myself inside a dark closet, surround amongst clothes, shoes and toys, dreaming of this woman, she was like my fairy God Mother. Did she think of me? Did she miss me? What about my birthdays, did she remember me? Do I look like her?
When I was 30, I found out the answer to all of my questions. My birthmother was forced to give me away, she had an affair with a Married Pilot, (sounds a lot like Pan Am) My birthmother found out she was pregnant, she tried to make me go away; after 6 months, she realized that I wasn't going anywhere, she then went to an abortion clinic and told them that she was 3 months along. The Doctor who was performing the abortion quickly realized that she was much further along, and told her that she must leave. Her biggest regret was not getting her money back.
I know that people handle grief in their own way, my sisters birthmother never had children after giving up my sister, she felt an enormous loss that another child could not fill. She remembered my sister every day, eventually they connected and they have a very special relationship. In the "Secret Daughter" the love that Kavita had for her baby girl, Usha: How can a mother carry a baby for 9 months and not have this connection? Was I the exception? My Birthmother never thought of me or spoke of me again until the day that I found her. (needless to say, she was not happy) As a girl, I dedicated the song, "wind beneath my wings" by Bette Middler to my Birthmother, my adopted mother was abusive, and my Birthmother was kind of like my fairy God Mother as I said. Today, I won't listen to the song "wind beneath my wing" if I hear it on the radio, I will snap it off quickly.
Im working on the rejection part, I have a hard time making friends or growing close to anyone because of my fear of loss and rejections or feeling of failure. I'm learning now, it is better to take a risk and fail at something than not take that risk at all.
If I am truly honest with myself, I will see that I am a wonderful person, beautiful inside and out, I think if she could know me as a person she would be proud. I can't remove her from her hate, but I can say that I am sorry for her pain. I will never get to know what this beautiful woman looks like, or her daughter, but I am thankful that I have the opportunity to be here today; I have 2 beautiful teenagers, I can see the likes that they share with me and I have to be confident in this special love.
If you have been effected by adoption in any way, this is a beautiful story, a must read: Secret Daughter, Shilpi Somaya Gowda.
If you have any thoughts on this, I would love any feedback,
Sincerely,
Kelly
That was an intimate post. All you can do is burn that intense emotional energy in a positive manner, which thankfully for you, you already know.
ReplyDeleteThe cosmic irony, of course, is that what your birth mother may see as the collective failures of her own life, symbolized irrationally by you, is actually an incredibly rich gift to the world, and it's just too bad she's too much of a coward to even want to know it.
She said she never thought about you? Wondered about you? That's a lie. She's lying to you. Why? Because unless she's an extreme case of pathology and narcissistic degeneration, her brain works like most human brains. That's just a fact.
But that's not you. You're better than that, and the wealth of compassion and heart and courage you must now possess for yourself, in yourself, is a genuine treasure. And no one can take that away.