Saturday, March 31, 2012

Dear Kris Sloan Rice,

I am thinking about the letter you sent me several years ago, your very words were "you were a mistake, you were not suppose to be born, what do you not get about that".
Honestly, I think that I am starting to understand more then ever, my life has been like living 42 years with terminal cancer only with no end in sight.  "Being held a prisoner without bars".
I want you to know that I am going to start rock climbing training, reading books, getting all the gear needed for a spectacular adventure in August.  I am going to find my way to India, Mt. Everest, I am going to climb as high as possible, I hope to spend a night looking at the stars and taking in the beauty around me.  When I reach my highest point I will be soaring like an Eagle high above the clouds.  I am going to go out like I came in; you high on LSD, me high on Mt. Everest.
I want you to know that I do have a voice, my mother was very abusive, she scared the hell out of me, Paul, my ex-husband beat me, slammed me up on walls, stuck his middle finger up my nostrils while beating me.  After I finally left, he abused my son Sam.  Paul is such a nice man that no one would believe me, do you know what it is like to be called a liar when you are begging for the people that matter to know the truth?  Do you know what it is like to experience hell and be told that you are a liar?  
Mt. Everest is my Journey, Mt. Everest will be my voice.

Kris, you should be ashamed of yourself,

Thursday, March 29, 2012


May 25 is my daughters graduation, let me take a look at the calendar…Today is March 29, 2012 that would make it fifty seven days until graduation and seventy seven days until Aarika and I leave for Ft. Lauderdale where we will spend two days before boarding the Royal Caribbean's Oasis of the Seas.
I have to admit that my thighs are a huge magnet for cottage cheese!  So I have started a 77 day challenge in this challenge I am going to face all of my fears "big crowds" classes offered at LA Fitness such as Zumba, Kickboxing, step aerobics and cycling.  I have been running and I was really excited when I timed my miles this past Monday and realized that I was running a 6 minute mile.
Before I get started on my Zumba class that I did last night at 8:00pm I want to tell you that next Wednesday I have to go see my Doctor and because this date is 04-04-2012 I am going to lose 4 pounds in honor of April 4th.  Can a person lose 4 pounds in a week?  I am not sure but I am going to do it!!
in order to really understand me you have to know that I do not like to participate in activities which include large groups.  And you have to know that I don't like mirrors!  People tell me all the time how beautiful I am and they can not understand my low self esteem.  I think this comes from the way I was raised maybe?  Yesterday I ran 3 miles, walked my dog, road my bike and at 7:00pm I looked at the clock and start making excuses for not going to this class. "NO, Kelly, come on you can do this"  At 7:40pm I was putting on my Brooks and feeling sick to my stomach; so I quickly jumped on my feet running down my stairs tripping over my dog; into the garage and jumping into my car; carefully pulling out of my driveway so not to run over one of the hundreds of joggers in my very active South-Side neighborhood.  I arrive at LA Fitness as everyone was walking into the class; looking around I noticed hundreds of beautiful ladies. OMG… this room was surrounded with mirrors from floor to ceiling.  I put my stuff down and found a spot, looking to the left I saw myself in a mirror and nearly jumped out of my skin, OMG I need to go now.  I wanted to run as fast as I could but I planted my feet until the music started.  Once we started to move I realized how much fun it was.  I even found myself loving it and smiling, when we did our turns and I found the mirror in front of me, I would look down, I couldn't look at myself.  What matters is I had a lot of fun, and I can't wait to do it again.  My fear of participating in a large class was stupid.  Just as stupid as my fear of mirrors, I know that I am beautiful, I am blessed with my looks and I need to start embracing myself and loving who I am.  With help, maybe that will happen.
Tonight I will be doing step aerobics, I am really clumsy, but I'm pretty good with step aerobics at home so I should be able to pull it off.  Am I nervous?  Absolutely!  however tomorrow at 9:15am is the cycling class and if I can get through that I can get through ANYTHING.

My goal is to look good in my dress for my daughters graduation, and to feel confident on our vacation.  On the Oasis there is a rock climbing wall, that is my goal; I really want to climb that wall!