We always start a New Year with the things that we would like to change about ourselves, or make better, an American tradition, our New Years resolutions.
My resolution this year is of course my weight, as many others, the gym starts out crazy at the first of the year. I want to be in wonderful shape for my daughter's graduation; I want to be able to feel comfortable in front of a camera and have a lot of pictures made with her. I truly hate camera's, I always have. (this will be a gift for my daughter) Of course, there is a selfish reason for this which is my ex-husband's wife will be there, she can't be more than a size zero, she has a killer metabolism, and she doesn't even work out!!
My other New Years resolution's for 2012 is to eliminate procrastonation from my life. To follow through with commitment's. (in order to follow through I need to make commitment's which I am very fearful of)
My dream has been to write a book for as long as I can remember, fiction, however based on adoption, a twist of love, loss, romance and a bit of a thriller. Mostly, a fun way to open everyone's eyes to adoption. I am going to start my research and writing this book.
I could come up with a million things that I personally need to change about myself, but a New Years resolution has never worked. These changes need to be made through life style changes.
Forgiveness is such a huge thing for me, I can forgive anyone for anything, because as a Christian, being adopted into a Christian home, I have learned the ultimate sacrifice that was done for me, for my sins, forgiveness. Have you ever heard this, "I can forgive; but I can't forget." I thank the Lord every day that when he died on the cross for our sins, it wasn't to forgive and remember. I would be in a lot of trouble if that were the case. If we were given the ultimate gift of forgiveness surely we as Christian's are not above the gift that we were given.
My problem is not forgiving other's, I struggle with forgiving myself. I am the most forgiving person, yes, even my mother who was so abusive, I have forgiven, but for some reason forgiving myself is what I am not capable of.
This could be the cause: The way I was raised, the fears as a child, marrying my exhusband and the fears I had in this relationship. Now when I apologize to my ex-husband the response that I get is" Kelly, I will never forgive you, because you will never change." Every time I hear this it is like I have been punched in the stomach and I can't catch my breath. I place to much of what he and others thinks of me.
I need to not let others dictate who I am, and let go of the things that I can not change.
I believe with forgiveness that this world would be a much better place, forgive and forget, let go of your burdens, you will feel so much lighter. Have faith in people who have wronged you, chances are that if you think that they can't change, they will or probably have, and carry regret.
Forgive, let go, and love unconditionally. This year, 2012, I am going to believe in myself, have faith and hope in everything that surrounds me. I am going to look forward, and stop looking back, besides; what good does looking back do for me?